9.10.2008

Audition # 876- Cell Phones and Stage Moms

Commercial audition yesterday, for a European cell phone spot. So I curl my hairs, and put on my best attempt at an "urban, but not LA- more NY-quirky" outfit, and travel the three odd miles to Studio City.

I pull up to what looks like a normal store front in a strip mall, but bears the name "Xanzabar Studios" or some such crap. It looks sort of like a hair salon from the outside, except it is BURSTING AT THE SEAMS WITH SMALL CHILDREN. Like seriously, dozens of 5 year olds, the child-actor overly precious kind. I try to get thru the door but a small Korean lad is doing a sort of break-dance on the welcome mat. His mother watches me trying to get around her spin kicking son and does nothing. Nothing at all. I get in and there are kids just freaking everywhere. And they are all turned up to 11. Like, all smiles, and loud snarky "Kids Say the Darn'dest Things" type proclamations and Gap Kids clothing and kiiiiiiiiiiiillllll me now please. 'Studied Precociousness' is the most painful of all false personas. Except 'Studied Earthiness'. I am looking right at you, Mssrs. Obama, McCain, Palin, and Biden....
Anywho, turns out, Disney is holding an audition there too. Here are some vignettes:

1. Totally awesome Kid-Wrangler calls up three cherubs and jokes with them while learning their names. One very ironed and polished little child with hair so shiny I could do my makeup in it says to her "My mommy said if I do my best she will take me to Color Me Mine. And a restaurant." The nonplussed wrangler says something like "I'm sure you always do your best...". And I am thinking, "Your Mommy is kind of a beotch, because you are a little child, and you should just 'do your best' to have fun, as you have the rest of your life to work like a slave like the rest of us suckers. So your Mommy should take you to Color Me Mine regardless. And I hate your Mommy, a little".

2. A young blonde boy named Brayden or Jayden or Skayden is sitting next to his plump blonde Momma, taking up four available seats in this crowded room cause Fill-in-the-blank-den is sliding his little fanny all over the bench like a dog with worms. And then he licks his Mom's bare arm. To which she says in a chipper voice "Hey! Are you a cannibal??". Blank-den then bites his mother, repeatedly, while she says "Are you a doggy?? There are no dogs alowed in here!!{giggle} We have to stop taking you to that Pirates of the Caribbean ride! Now my arm smells bad." WTF? First, tell your kid to sit the F still in a public crowded place so all the other people there can sit down. Second, your child just bit you. Maybe we shouldn't throw him an Affirmation Parade and instead tell him that his behaviour is inappropriate. Third, your arm smells? Eww. Brush that kids teeth!

3. But for the fact that my good best friend would never foist a career in the show-biz on her small lovely girl, I saw a kid who was totally Ash's daughter at 5. She had long red-blonde hair, and glasses, and the biggest blue eyes ever. She was also wearing a hot pink and black arm band, neon green polka dotted leg warmers, and every article of jewelry I presume she owns. She had clearly picked out this awesome ensemble for herself, and she rocked it. Her name was Elizabeth, and i almost abducted her, she was so stinking cute.

The audition itself was kind of fun- improvy, and I think I did pretty well. I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it. Anything that is besides the magic that was this blog entry.

7 comments:

Claire said...

Oh, wouldn't it be lovely to think that these sorts of children and their sires only inhabited the entertainment world? Saddly, they're everywhere, just with less make up.
I'm telling you, had I worked in a school before having my kid, I would never have bred.
I hope the rest of the audition went well.
BTW, I hate that kid's mom too!

Ashley said...

Skayden. Heh. I think I like that better than all the other "______den" names (which I tend to not like.)

C. said...

I don't understand what's wrong with biting/licking your mom....

The Fitzlosopher: said...

I don't understand what biting and licking your mom had to do with the Pirates of the Carribean ride, but what do i know?

Anne said...

One of my children spit on me...I let her live.

Kelly said...

My kids lick me sometimes. I don't smell it. That's just wrong.

Ashley said...

It was an accident, mom! Sheesh! (though it should be noted that yes; I did spit on her and yes; I did also accidently refer to her as a psycho bitch on one occasion. But she forgave for both because luckily, both incidents were suurrounded in the kind of humor which only my family understands.)