Spitters and Preachers and Everyone In Between

When you ride the subway every day, especially in a city as chock full of weirdos as Los Angeles, you are bound to take a walk on the wild side every now and then. Homeless guys that sing country music, the people that feel the need to talk to someone, ANYONE the whole ride long, the random people dancing quietly to some internal rhythm the rest of us are not privy to- all of these are a daily occurrence. But I had one day last week where the planets aligned in just such a way as to bequeath me with every nut case on the LA train system at the same time, in the same car.

Weirdo Number One- Preacher:
Woman dressed in traditional Indian garb who is vacillating between speaking in tongues and preaching in broken English the Word Of God to everyone on the train in her frantic and hoarse voice.

Weirdo Number Two- Spitter:
African American woman who is making the "hocking a lugie" noise every 45 seconds (not exaggerating) and spitting what she brings up between her feet onto the floor of the train.

Weirdo Number Three- Spitter's Lover:
Spitter's Lesbian Lover who was sitting next to Spitter, and whom I mistook for an anonymous train goer and made a sympathetic face at which was mistook for something else entirely.

After I looked at Spitter's Lover, I noticed her say something to Spitter, who was radiating that "ness" of a person who really wanted to have words with someone over something, like she was just looking for a fight. I don't know if Spitter's Lover was talking about me, but luckily someone got up just at that moment and I got a seat out of Spitter's eye line.

A few uneventful moments passed when all of a sudden, over the din of Preacher Ladies preaching, I hear Spitter say "What the fuck are you looking at. You with the headphones!". Now, I was wearing headphones, so I quailed a bit, but came to realise she was in fact talking to :

Weirdo Number Four-Creepy Guy:
Caucasian Creepy eye contact smiley guy. To be fair, this guy did not come off as a total weirdo at first. We had actually commiserated over the noise of Spitter and Preacher before I sat down- but he came to reveal himself as in fact being a Weirdo later. But I digress.

Creepy Guy: "Why? What's your f**kin problem?"

Spitter: "You my problem. Who the f**k you think you is?".

Creepy Guy: "I think you're a f**kin weirdo!"

Spitter: "You the weirdo!"

Preacher: "Shonda da BOMBA!! You should be ashamed! Shonda da BOMBA!!!!"

Who knows how long this delightful diatribe would have continued but for Spitter and S. Lover's stop having been reached at that exact moment? In any case, Spitter and the Missus left with nary a blow exchanged, and I was mostly just glad I never got directly involved. I do so hate confrontation with the crazy. I stood up because my stop was next, only to over hear Creepy being congratulated by all on the train for standing up to Spitter. He got to talking with YET ANOTHER Creepy guy, and they ended up comparing where they'd been recently incarcerated:

Original Creepy Guy:
"So where'd they send you?"

New Creepy Guy:
"Up to Mondo(?), which I don't know why cause it was only a misdemeanor!"

Orig. Creepy:
"Probably you had a 288"

New Creepy:
"What's that?"

Orig Creepy:
"Violent Sex Offense."

Whereupon I exited the train and began making plans to buy a new car in January. Cheers.


B- said...

So Iread the first half of this blog pre yoga and so engrossing was your story that durring corpse I couldn't help thinking I ownder what happens next in Nicoles blog...o how I miss you.

Anne said...

There's not really that much difference in the LA weirdos and the NYC weirdos, is there? The weirdo gene must be the same universally.