Things I Learned This Week, in Convenient List Form

So, let's get right to it:

1. If you smell an awful funky tuna smell coming from your kitchen three days after you made tuna, and you find no tuna anywhere, it may just be that your husband used a paper towl to pat-dry some sea scallops the week before and tossed that paper towl into the recycling bag, where it festered and dreamed dark and stinky dreams.

2. If your check engine light comes on, it could just be that you have a shoddy gas cap. Flirt with the man at Hyundai, and he will diagnose this for free w/ his li'l computer and then sell you a new one for only 16 bucks!

3. Big Lots almost always sucks. Like, usually, all you find are expired donuts and hair nets (2 for 1!) and posters of kittens in baskets of peonies. It just doesn't suck the one time before you write it off forever, because it knows you are on the verge, so it tosses you a bone to keep you coming out there (20 dollar hibachi gas grill, a 3 dollar pillow). And then it sucks the next 8 times you go.

4. I will never like salmon. I just need to set it free.

5. My sister nearly always comes thru for me. Like, if I say "Joy, somewhere in your basement is a box of my costume items and from that box i need you to fed-ex me a pink Victorian skirt and a white corset" she will say "Ok." and then she does it. That's true love and friendship, and we have the same genetic code to boot! Sweet!

6. I can never have too many dogs. Even now, with limited space and time, I fantasize about completeing my flat-faced breed collection with the addtion of a French Bulldog I will name Mr. Smee.

7. Most movies that people fall all over themselves praising, like No Country for Old Men, or Juno, turn out to be good, but not the wonderful near religious experiance you are led to beleive they will be. So you kind of go thru your netflix list being perpetually slightly disapointed. Like they way you felt the day after your birthday when you were a kid.

8. Jazz is not bad, when you know someone in the band and you are slightly buzzed. If you don't know someone in the band and you are sober, I don't know what to tell you.

9. If you end up with a 6.99 credit at Auto Zone, you can get an air freshner, a key chain, and a multi-pack of Airheads. And you will still have 14 cents left over.

10. While a 102 degree temperature in April sounds good to someone living in Cleveland in January, in actuality it kind of blows.

And now, onto a new week.

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