"Labor-inducing", my ass.

As of today, my official due date,
The Following Things Can Officially Suck it:

1. Red Raspberry Leaf Tea- shove it right up your hippie butts. It tastes like old socks, and has done nathans, as my sis would say.

2. Caioti Pizza's Maternity Salad- 8 bucks for some lettuce and dressing, and nothing doing.

3. Eggplant Parmigiana- I ate nearly an entire pan on my own. Delicious, but no dice.

4. Pineapple- ok, pineapple, i still love you. But you have not been the Cervical Miracle Worker I was promised.

5. Castor Oil: I have not taken this as it causes severe diarrhea and vomiting, both of which are not conducive to health in general or labor in particular.

6. The Suggestion That We Have Sex to Make Baby Come out: Not proven to work, and really folks, if you were me, would you be "in the mood"? I look like a small hippo, and I feel like a large hippo. Not sexy.

7. Walking: I think I have put about 20 miles on my flip flops the past 2 weeks. Baby? Still not here.

Ok, feel a little better now. This girl-child, she is like her momma, she does things in her own sweet time. I have a doc apt on Monday, and this Sunday is the FULL MOON (cue wind chimes) so maybe I'll have some good updates for you. Until then, pregnant I am, and pregnant I stay.


Optimus Primate said...

Yeah, but have you tried eating pineapple eggplant Parmesan and drinking raspberry leaf tea whilst walking and getting jiggy with it at the same time? (Don't forget the top shelf reach-around)

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Optimus Primate said...

Dude, I cannot believe I just typed "reach-around" on your blog. I'm so embarrassed.

The Fitzlosopher: said...

Especially since many assorted parental-types read this! Dennis, I am aghast!

Anonymous said...

I have no interest in labor-inducing anyone's ass. However, I do like to read your blog.

The Fitzlosopher: said...

I am glad to hear it. Because I heart you. In a platonic way. Jeez, Phil, don't get all weird, ok?? Gawd.