An E-mail From Me To the Hoosier State

From:Nicole Fitz
To: Indiana
CC: North Carolina

Dear Indiana,How's it going? See any good campaign ads lately?? Har de har har! Well, I just thought I'd drop a line and see what's shaking, Oh Land Of My Husband's People. I drove through you once. It rained. Anyway, I'll get down to business. I know you have been up to your eyeballs in candidates putting on their "blue-collar pants" lately- bowling, drinking, having Blizzards at the local DQ. I assumed you would see through all this lame pandering and just shake your collective heads at the shitty acting going on (seriously, I have seen better performances in Pauly Shore's canon of work). But lately I have heard a few of you saying on the news that you feel Mrs. Clinton is "more in touch with you.". If that is your true feeling, Via Con Dios, but I fear you may have been swayed by the storm of bullshit currently situated directly above Indianapolis. Just so's you know, Hillary is not an "everyman". She does not pump her own gas. If she really does shots of Crown Royal, its out of a golden chalice like the ones rejected as being "too grand for Christ" at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade:

I'm not saying Mr. Obama (who, you may have inferred, is my choice for Pres) is necessarily a "man of the people" either- because you see, this whole "being in touch with the everyman" thing is kind of a myth, when you really get down to how politics works. No one who is carted around in a private jet in an attempt to become the leader of the free world "gets me", and I am just fine with that- I would make a patently shitty leader of the free world. I don't need Obama to understand the rising cost of tampons or know my bra size. I don't care if Clinton uses her Vons Club card and rejoices, as I do, at the little summary on the receipt of what I saved. I just want the candidates to put forth good ideas and plans and then do the things they say. I don't want trash and fairy lights, and I hope you don't either. It is insulting to you to assume that one can "get where you are coming from"- to understand the scope and breadth of your life- through whirlwind tours of factories and gas pumps. It is insulting to you to assume you will be blinded by the pomp and grandeur of a gas tax break that amounts to aproximately thirty dollars disbursed over 3 months. It is insulting to you when candidates suddenly end all thier "ing" words with "n'"- workin', thinkin', shootin', prayin', etc. It's like when you hear an actor unaccustomed to swearing hit the "F" word a little too hard; just kind of lame and transparent. Don't get me wrong- it is important for candidates to be aware of the plights and concerns of the people they plan on governing-to understand their own removal from the reality of most people due to privelage- they just don't have to put on a "me" costume and play-act my life with me. Because that's silly. So anywhoo, just vote for the person who has shown through their actions and plans that they are the best person for the job. Pretend they never came to your state at all, never bowled or drank beer or made any of the palsied attempts to kiss your collective asses. Just vote your honest guts, and we will all be ok.
Nicole Fitz