All is Calm, All is Bright

To be frank, a big part of me dreaded this Christmas- my dad was so completely plugged into this holiday. First, tradition for as long as I can remember had us with him on Christmas Eve at a big family party where we'd exchange our gifts and eat too much and stay up too late. And then, since my Dad was never one to say no to fun whenever and wherever he could find it, he'd crash Mom's on Christmas Day, pulling up in his rusty truck with a wreath lashed to the bumper. It always amused all of us, my mom in particular, how it never even crossed his mind that his ex wife of more than 20 years would mind him turning up during the cake/coffee party of the evening. And the magic of it was we'd all end up having an awesome time, playing board games and laughing more than should be legally allowed.

And on top of the Christmas-specific memories associated with my Dad, New York in general seems haunted with him. When I was in LA, it was not abnormal to not see him- he didn't live in California. But now that I'm home, every tree and street corner and store front is fraught and festooned with my Dad- here's where he used to get his bagels, here's where he got into a fight over a parking space with some lady, here's where he took me to learn how to drive and on and on and on. So reality has been creeping in. And Christmas seemed like just one more giant reminder that he's not here.

But then there's this lovely symmetry. As my Dad leaves us, Gwen enters. And somehow, seeing all her firsts takes some of the sting out of the things that were his last. Whenever I found myself foundering these past few days, I was able to find an anchor in that little elfin face with its chubby cheeks and oddly wise smile.

And so Christmas somehow managed to be Christmas, and I was able, after all, to count my blessings and look to the new year with anticipation and hope.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thanks for being you.

Pics!
Meeting the Big Red Dude:


Many generations of children have posed on these steps!

With Uncle Joe:

Sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care...

At the risk of jinxing it, a miracle has happened. And that miracle is my baby has decided for the first time in about 3 months to sleep for more than 2 hours, consecutively. Seriously, folks, at one point this kid woke up every hour on the hour ALL. NIGHT. LONG. I don't know if you've ever been truly sleep deprived, my friends, but add to it the grieving process, and woah Nellie, that's some crappy headspace.

Most of her sleep issues began at about 3 1/2 months, when, not coincidentally, we were in New York while my dad was sick, and bouncing from house to house. So no duh, kids are sensitive creatures and all that drama and change manifested in a need for her to be comforted by me 10 times a night. I didn't begrudge her that- but I needed/need sleep to like, function. So yeah, this is a good- no, AMAZING- development that is the culmination of a lot of work on Gav's and my part, as well as being finally settled in one place.

Last night, I slept six straight hours. It was so uncannily wonderful I literally woke with a SMILE on my face for the 4:30 feeding.

Also, I love our little Brooklyn house. Love it love it love it. It's a temporary thing (my family will sell it eventually) but while it's mine I love every quirky nook and cranny. I even love the HIDEOUS gray and pink tiled bathroom with the fucia and green metallic wallpaper. (Seriously, I must post a pic this week for you.) I put up Christmas lights outside and a big tree and hung all our photos and it really feels like home after living out of a suitcase for 3 months.

This will be a hard holiday season for me- there's no getting past that fact. But with a little sleep under my belt, and this small oasis of normalcy we are living in, I know my little family will find some joy in it as well.

A day in the life...

I have oodles to tell you of my own life, the move, etc. But I'd rather post a crapload of cute pictures since my energy is little to non-existent. So:

If Gwendy appeared in Vogue with one of those artsy "day in the life" photos shoots, it'd go something like this:

We have reached the necessary milestones to begin introducing solid foods. Here we are with organic sweet potatoes from the fine people at Gerber:

When we are thru dining, we find it most relaxing to soak in a nice hot bubble bath. Aunt Joy's kitchen sink is de rigeur for the ultimate in pampered luxury:



Our evenings are spend musing under the Christmas tree, deciding what we will ask Santa for. Will it be the Fisher Price crib Aquarium? A doll? A wad of wrapping paper to stuff in our mouth?? Who knows?

Ladies, if your velvet Christmas bonnet doesn't fit over your own ample noggin, don't fret- just outfit your dog. Lovely, non?

Finally, we simply bask in the glow of our own loveliness. Make sure you take time to bask in your own loveliness too!

Full Circle

Back in New York, and here to stay. It's been a wild ride, America, but I daresay barring any major shifts in the sands of life (which I never, never count out, especially these days) I am home now. And I must say, once all the stress and pressure and madness ebbs, I think I'm going to be pretty damn happy to put down some roots here- or just graft onto my old ones... That's all- just wanted to post on the actual day Gwendy and I landed (Fitzhusband to follow via great exodus with dogs cross country this week. Thank God for his dad, who's coming with). Now, to tend to my jet-lagged baby!

The Perfect Baby

Strange but true, my baby is utterly perfect. Yes, she wakes me up at ungodly hours every night, and she has incredibly stinky gas, but every time I look at her, my heart does cartwheels. My capacity to love her seems bottomless and helps me to understand all sorts of things I never got before about parents and children.
And every day she learns more and more. This week it's been all about the dogs- she sees them and gets this delighted expression on her face and chortles like a happy little squirrel. If one of them licks her fingers she cracks up to beat the band. It makes me happy to see my human-child and fur children so copacetic.
In other news, we are moving back to New York in only a few short days (!). Most everyone who reads this blog knows all about it, but suffice it to say it feels like an important time to be there as my family deals with Dad's passing. There are other reasons to go, of course, but that is the one most prominant in our minds at the moment.
It is breaking our hearts to leave our California family though. I layed awake for hours last night, struggling with the whole conundrum- one that's plagued us ever since we started dating. If only we could be in two places at once. Or, if only our families would decided to move to one central location- say, Hawaii?? :) A pretty lucky problem to have, though- having two such amazing families that you want to be with both...
Here's some fancy-dancer camera shots. I am getting slowly used to it and it's many ridiculous features. I think I have named her Charlotte, since she is black like a spider and friendly like the one from the book.

Self-medicating

I went and got myself a present. This:


I'd been wanting a fancy-dancer camera for a year now and I just broke down and got myself one. I have barely begun to learn it, but man-oh-man, this thing takes a purty picture:

Fun! Also, in other news, Gwen has this new thing where she pulls her paci out of her own mouth and then complains loudly until I replace it. Over and over and over again. At THREE IN THE MORNING. This has inspired many comedic interludes between Gavin and I, as we fumble in the dark hissing at each other to please our little task master and get her back to bed. Most recently, this little vingnette, in reference to finding the Twilight Turtle Light, so I could see to find her lost paci:

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Me: "Where is the f#*&ing turtle??"

Gavin: "I don't know where the damn turtle is. NO!! Don't put the crib light on!! IT's TOO BRIGHT!" (fumbles with button on side of crib. Light remains on while music begins to play, loudly)

Me: "Well that's just perfect. Well done."

(Scene)

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Seriously, it's like the Diary of Anne Frank in our room- all scrambling silently over ourselves and flinching when we make the slightest noise. You have no idea how loud your sheets rustle when you roll over, really. Whee!!!!

Shiver Me Timbers

This song by Tom Waits has played incessantly in my head for the past two months. It hurts, but in a good way:

I'm leavin' my fam'ly
Leavin' my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
On a new front page sky
My tears are salt water
And the moon's full and high

And I know Martin Eden's
Gonna be proud of me
And many before me
Who've been called by the sea
To be up in the crow's nest
Singin' my say
Shiver me Timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me, now.
So swallow me, don't follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
'Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
Shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me
So come and swallow me, follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter
'n I'm gonna skip like a stone

And I'm leavin' my family
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new front page sky
And shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away