Life Update: Abridged Version

1. Joy Marie, my sister and one of my BFFs, is coming for a whole week starting next Tuesday!! We are going to the Disneyland, thanks the a sweet deal from a sweeter friend, and I can't wait. I just want to sit back, and drink the kool-aid, and learn to love the mouse for a day. And then look in disbelief at my empty wallet.

2. I did an audition for Oregon Shakespeare (again, my Holy Land) today. Even though they are only looking at people for 2010, there was a line around the block this morning. That's how awesome they are. I felt it went very well, so keep those fingers crossed that 2010, I will get one of my fondest wishes!! or at least a call back....

3. Gavin re-quit smoking and has been on the waggon for four weeks!! Let's hope he does all right when Joy the Chimney is in town.....

4. Emmy has an arch rivalry with Momma, the mix breed next door. They mutually attack the gate that separates them and make all sorts of terrifying noise at one another. Well today, the gate was unlatched, and when they went at it, it swung open. They looked at each other in mute disbelief, and then ran into their respective houses. Cowardy custards.

That's all, other than why the F is it warm here today??? What happened to my fall? It was going so well!!

Spitters and Preachers and Everyone In Between

When you ride the subway every day, especially in a city as chock full of weirdos as Los Angeles, you are bound to take a walk on the wild side every now and then. Homeless guys that sing country music, the people that feel the need to talk to someone, ANYONE the whole ride long, the random people dancing quietly to some internal rhythm the rest of us are not privy to- all of these are a daily occurrence. But I had one day last week where the planets aligned in just such a way as to bequeath me with every nut case on the LA train system at the same time, in the same car.

Weirdo Number One- Preacher:
Woman dressed in traditional Indian garb who is vacillating between speaking in tongues and preaching in broken English the Word Of God to everyone on the train in her frantic and hoarse voice.

Weirdo Number Two- Spitter:
African American woman who is making the "hocking a lugie" noise every 45 seconds (not exaggerating) and spitting what she brings up between her feet onto the floor of the train.

Weirdo Number Three- Spitter's Lover:
Spitter's Lesbian Lover who was sitting next to Spitter, and whom I mistook for an anonymous train goer and made a sympathetic face at which was mistook for something else entirely.

After I looked at Spitter's Lover, I noticed her say something to Spitter, who was radiating that "ness" of a person who really wanted to have words with someone over something, like she was just looking for a fight. I don't know if Spitter's Lover was talking about me, but luckily someone got up just at that moment and I got a seat out of Spitter's eye line.

A few uneventful moments passed when all of a sudden, over the din of Preacher Ladies preaching, I hear Spitter say "What the fuck are you looking at. You with the headphones!". Now, I was wearing headphones, so I quailed a bit, but came to realise she was in fact talking to :

Weirdo Number Four-Creepy Guy:
Caucasian Creepy eye contact smiley guy. To be fair, this guy did not come off as a total weirdo at first. We had actually commiserated over the noise of Spitter and Preacher before I sat down- but he came to reveal himself as in fact being a Weirdo later. But I digress.

Creepy Guy: "Why? What's your f**kin problem?"

Spitter: "You my problem. Who the f**k you think you is?".

Creepy Guy: "I think you're a f**kin weirdo!"

Spitter: "You the weirdo!"

Preacher: "Shonda da BOMBA!! You should be ashamed! Shonda da BOMBA!!!!"

Who knows how long this delightful diatribe would have continued but for Spitter and S. Lover's stop having been reached at that exact moment? In any case, Spitter and the Missus left with nary a blow exchanged, and I was mostly just glad I never got directly involved. I do so hate confrontation with the crazy. I stood up because my stop was next, only to over hear Creepy being congratulated by all on the train for standing up to Spitter. He got to talking with YET ANOTHER Creepy guy, and they ended up comparing where they'd been recently incarcerated:

Original Creepy Guy:
"So where'd they send you?"

New Creepy Guy:
"Up to Mondo(?), which I don't know why cause it was only a misdemeanor!"

Orig. Creepy:
"Probably you had a 288"

New Creepy:
"What's that?"

Orig Creepy:
"Violent Sex Offense."

Whereupon I exited the train and began making plans to buy a new car in January. Cheers.

The Greatest Celebrity Sighting, Ever.

Living in Los Angeles, one sees celebrities from time to time. Most often, it's reality show peeps (I have now run into Santino from Project Runway in two completely different places). But yesterday, as I had lunch in Studio City, something truly magical happened. I saw this man:


Yes, that's right, Stephen Root, who (among many other roles) played "Milton" from Office Space. It's kind of an odd coincidence, as A: I recently re-watched Office Space for shits and giggles, like less than a week ago, and B: A coworker gave me his orange Swingline stapler as a gift (thanks Ian) three days after said viewing. And now, the trinity is complete. Thanks, LA. You certainly are bizarre, aren't you?

PS: He is a lot better looking in person. He'd have to be, huh?

"A List from Nicole: It's a Good Thing"- M. Stewart

I was feeling in a bloggerly mood with nary an important life event to blog about and SOOOOOO.....

A List of My Favorite Movies as a Kid

1. Has to be Neverending Story. I wanted to be that freakin Childlike Empress so bad, i went around with one of my mom's necklaces hanging between my brows affecting a crappy Madonna-British accent. And remember turning up the volume and putting your ear to the TV to figure out what name Bastion screams? It's Moonchild. I read the book just to find out. And now that you know, you can totally hear it in the movie. I think they added the line about using his mother's name and then forgot to edit the final name choice. Either that, or Bastion's mom was a major hippie. Maybe that's how she died- overdosed on some shrooms or something. Of course, none of this makes sense if you never were into this movie. But really, if you weren't, I don't care to know you anyway. Just kidding. Come over and we can watch it.

2. Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea: OMG, lovely story, innocent Victorian high-jinks, Coleen Dewhurst, Gilbert the-original-McDreamy-Blythe, and Anne! Oh my red-haired strong-willed lovely "she doesn't know she loves him yet" Anne! What more does a romance addicted little girl need? Granted, there are some super cringe-worthy moments (I am looking at you, "White Way of Delight") but all in all a night watching these movies with some brownies and wine involved is still a wonderful night in my book. And now, thanks to a generous sister, I own the whole boxed set. So again, come over if you haven't seen it. Unless you are male as this movie will cause your testicles to shrivel up and blow away like so much dust in the frosty Canadian wind.

3. The Last Unicorn: Japanimation loveliness. This story is so bittersweet that my little 7 year old heart could barely take it. Plus, the Big Lebowski (or is it really the Little Lebowski?), Jeff Bridges, voices the prince. Oh! And there's this mortifying soundtrack done by the band America..."She's the laaaaaaaast Unicorrrrrrrrrn!!!" Perfection.

4. Pee Wees Big Adventure: We recently re-viewed this wonderful movie, and it's only gotten better now that I am old enough to get all the jokes. A fun contest my hubbster and I like to play is "Who can remember the most quotes?". This contest is best when slightly drunk. "Annnnd knitting, annnnnnnnd knitting, annnnnnnnd knitting........"

5. The Labyrinth: David Bowie gave me my first "funny feelings". He is so bizarrely and incomprehensibly hot in this movie. Plus, Jennifer Connelly gets to wear a big poofy dress with eighties hair and one of the aforementioned head-necklaces. This movie was a bit scary at times, but so worth it. Remember that scene when she thinks she's home at last but it's all bullshit?? That's some hard and fast reality for a little kid whose parents are going through a divorce, let me tell you.

6. The Little Mermaid: This movie made me and every other little girl within hearing distance of it's music want to live Under the Freakin Sea. There is somewhere a cassette tape of me trying to sing "Part of Your World" at 11, and failing miserably, I might add. Thanks Disney, for giving us little girls realistic body proportions to aspire to... Oh, for eyes the size of saucers, fifty pounds of red hair, and a 7 inch waist!!

A Message From the Management

I, Nicole, Queen of...well...this blog, do herebye declair a moratorium on the following words/phrases/semantical practices:

1. The word "fierce", except when in reference to wild animals.

2. The use of the surname "licious" added to words. Girlicious, bootylicious, f*&kingstupidwordlicious, all of you are done. Delicious, you are still ok. For now.

3. Rhyming "Obama" with "Mama", or any other "ama" word. Its lame and not as clever as you seem to think. Stop it.

That is all. We reserve the right to add on as we see fit. Thank you.

-The Management

Art!

I am often disappointed in myself for not taking further advantage of the awesome cities I have lived in; it seems sometimes that you put off going to things in close proximity simply because they're are so close- you could always do it another time. So I am very glad to have finally gotten to the Getty Center this weekend with the hubby and the in-laws.
What an awesome day! First, unlike every other museum I've been to, this one is very modern in design(it opened in 1997), so it is exceptionally easy to navigate and the flow of the place naturally guides you from room to room and exhibit to exhibit. I listened to a tour guide talk about the designer, Richard Meier, using visual clues to guide the museum-goer. He used glass walls on some exhibits to make them feel more open and accessible, and light-sensitive louvered ceilings so the paintings can be observed in natural light as God and the painters intended. All in all, lovely. The collection is not as extensive as the Met, but in a way, it's relative sparseness actually helps you fully digest what you are seeing. You are not jumping around to so many eras and regions and you get a real feel for the time and place of the artist. They had lovely Greek and Roman sculpture ( I tend to like those best) and a great variety of paintings/sketches. One of my faves is this piece by Jean-Ettiene Liotard, created with pastel crayons(!):

I liked her so much (and her little dog too) that I sprung for the fridge magnet. How bourgeois piggish of me! There is also a sketching room where you can use provided paper and easels and draw sculptures all set up for you. Gavin really enjoyed doing that.
So anway, go! It's FREE (parking is 10 bucks) and a great way to spend a day!

Audition # 876- Cell Phones and Stage Moms

Commercial audition yesterday, for a European cell phone spot. So I curl my hairs, and put on my best attempt at an "urban, but not LA- more NY-quirky" outfit, and travel the three odd miles to Studio City.

I pull up to what looks like a normal store front in a strip mall, but bears the name "Xanzabar Studios" or some such crap. It looks sort of like a hair salon from the outside, except it is BURSTING AT THE SEAMS WITH SMALL CHILDREN. Like seriously, dozens of 5 year olds, the child-actor overly precious kind. I try to get thru the door but a small Korean lad is doing a sort of break-dance on the welcome mat. His mother watches me trying to get around her spin kicking son and does nothing. Nothing at all. I get in and there are kids just freaking everywhere. And they are all turned up to 11. Like, all smiles, and loud snarky "Kids Say the Darn'dest Things" type proclamations and Gap Kids clothing and kiiiiiiiiiiiillllll me now please. 'Studied Precociousness' is the most painful of all false personas. Except 'Studied Earthiness'. I am looking right at you, Mssrs. Obama, McCain, Palin, and Biden....
Anywho, turns out, Disney is holding an audition there too. Here are some vignettes:

1. Totally awesome Kid-Wrangler calls up three cherubs and jokes with them while learning their names. One very ironed and polished little child with hair so shiny I could do my makeup in it says to her "My mommy said if I do my best she will take me to Color Me Mine. And a restaurant." The nonplussed wrangler says something like "I'm sure you always do your best...". And I am thinking, "Your Mommy is kind of a beotch, because you are a little child, and you should just 'do your best' to have fun, as you have the rest of your life to work like a slave like the rest of us suckers. So your Mommy should take you to Color Me Mine regardless. And I hate your Mommy, a little".

2. A young blonde boy named Brayden or Jayden or Skayden is sitting next to his plump blonde Momma, taking up four available seats in this crowded room cause Fill-in-the-blank-den is sliding his little fanny all over the bench like a dog with worms. And then he licks his Mom's bare arm. To which she says in a chipper voice "Hey! Are you a cannibal??". Blank-den then bites his mother, repeatedly, while she says "Are you a doggy?? There are no dogs alowed in here!!{giggle} We have to stop taking you to that Pirates of the Caribbean ride! Now my arm smells bad." WTF? First, tell your kid to sit the F still in a public crowded place so all the other people there can sit down. Second, your child just bit you. Maybe we shouldn't throw him an Affirmation Parade and instead tell him that his behaviour is inappropriate. Third, your arm smells? Eww. Brush that kids teeth!

3. But for the fact that my good best friend would never foist a career in the show-biz on her small lovely girl, I saw a kid who was totally Ash's daughter at 5. She had long red-blonde hair, and glasses, and the biggest blue eyes ever. She was also wearing a hot pink and black arm band, neon green polka dotted leg warmers, and every article of jewelry I presume she owns. She had clearly picked out this awesome ensemble for herself, and she rocked it. Her name was Elizabeth, and i almost abducted her, she was so stinking cute.

The audition itself was kind of fun- improvy, and I think I did pretty well. I'll keep you posted if anything comes of it. Anything that is besides the magic that was this blog entry.