To preface, Gwen has been learning to use the potty, and in the grand toddler tradition has this irrational fear of pooping any place but her diaper. So I bought her a toy and hid it in the closet and told her she could have it once she pooped on the potty and blah blah, a week of moderate pee success but no poop and then...
Ok, please hit play on the song below while you read the rest. It really makes the story feel like it did in my head...
I am sitting on the couch in the living room with Wes in my lap when all of a sudden, Gwen, who'd been playing quietly a moment before starts going "AHH!! -grunt-
AhhhHHH!!-grunt- AhhhHHHH!!" which I take to mean she is in the process of pooping her pants. So I put Wes down on the couch and run to scoop her up, trot to the potty, and pull down her pants and underwear all in one graceless movement as she starts a'poopin.
As the #2 lands both in the potty and in said underwear, I notice Wesley has chosen this moment to learn how to roll onto his side and is nearing the edge of the couch. So I leave a Gwen who is now alternately laughing and screaming (knowing she's gonna get her "poop toy" but also freaking about the whole poop-process) to reset Wesley on the couch.
I then grab Gwen who is finished and is trying to sit on the rug with her dirty butt and stuff her under my arm to take her with me to her bedroom to get wipes and new pants/underwear. I find said garments and then carry her back to the living room where what to my wondering eyes should appear but...
EMMY EATING THE POOP OUT OF THE POTTY!!!!! Oh. My. God.
I chase Emmy off (I think my exact words were
"OHMYGODNOOOOYOUARESOGROSSGETAWAAAYY!!!") and use the wipes to return the remaining poop to the potty. Wesley is now working on a front-to-feet roll forward so I retreive him and plop him in the bouncy. I race the potty back to the bathroom to dispose of its contents, et al.
Upon returning to the living room Gwen is still standing there with her pants around ankles so I then clean her up and get her dressed.
I proceed to catch Emmy and clean her mouth out with Crest Total Care Mouthwash, because WHAT THE HELL ELSE TO YOU USE TO CLEAN OUT THE MOUTH OF A PUG WHO JUST ATE FECES AND FREQUENTLY ENJOYS KISSING YOUR TODDLER ON THE MOUTH??!!??
And that was my life from approximately 2:18-2:24. Jealous? Yeah, you know you are. Welcome back, blog.